Dec 1
Found the healthy habits bitch on TikTok and because I’m a sucker for pop-psych or psych-scientific language I got a little nerdy about terms like “habit-stacking” and whatever it was about the routine/earn/reward cycle and improving by 1%, basically it’s just ways we trick ourselves by treating ourselves like little Pavlovian lab animals.
I got irritated at the boyf for being too self-satisfied, even though he admitted it’s learned delusion, but still, it’s not fair when I have to hate myself for no good reason even if it’s sort of a choice, if an engrained choice.
Because isn’t it scarier, the prospect of becoming like the tiktok bitch who talks to herself in the mirror every night saying how much she loves and is proud of herself, and she has so much energy she’s literally buzzing and bouncing on the screen.
The absolute worst though would be turning into a Bo Burnham type and writing sappy bouncy depression haha songs, mental health musical comedy? Kill me now.
I’ve been worried though because I don’t have any good song ideas except sometimes mundane topics I riff on and I fear, that’s how it starts and before you know it you’ve written an entire ballad about brushing your dog’s teeth.
But I guess I want to shove some of it off, the right amount, so I still look like myself to me, but I get what I want? Is that it?
When you wake up and your baseline is self-hate. I mean, it is tough. I said I was going to write every day of December, because to be nice for a minute, I do seem to be good at these month challenge things, I don’t know why I take to them but once I decide, hey, I’m doing this (or not doing this) for a month, I tend to stick to it. But my first thought was, I’m tired and I have nothing to say and it’s going to be like a glorified diary entry and then I’m going to quit after like three days.
Or maybe fucking not, huh?