From my notes app, Oct. 7, 12:18 am: “On sobriety day 6: my faculties are too intact!” A week into my month off drinking (saying “sober october” makes me wince, something about the rhyme of it) I had gone to a party at a bar and felt too alert, too in focus for the occasion, while those around me unloosened with every (beloved) High Life bottle popped. The idea that one’s faculties could be too intact amused me, and I wondered if such a thing were even possible. [Joan Didion voice] Were anyone’s faculties ever too intact? I’m here to tell you someone’s were.
Throughout the month, I experienced versions of this razor-sharp/excess energy. Sometimes it manifested in nervous energy: fidgeting or rambling more than usual, knocking over my too-sweet N/A cocktail at the show (I maintain I just needed an excuse not to drink it), feeling like I needed to jump up and down or play preteen hand-clap games.
Sometimes I swore I had better conversations, ones I could dedicate the right amount of attention to; words I’d remember or not regret the next day. Other times I felt too tired, too stuck in stasis, too boring to even volley an intro line. I slept better on some nights; on others, I got the same 4 am insomnia, only this time it was just annoying, not accompanied by headache, thirst, and existential panic.
On occasion I felt at once superior and too smug for my own liking, like a dieter who denies herself cake and silently lords it over all the hedonists (who are having too much fun to notice or care).
Exercise endorphins felt more important than ever. Coffee, psilocybin, chocolate—earthly wonders.
My opinions, from a month of research, on N/A drinks: Not much can be improved upon a seltzer with lime and bitters. Athletic makes the best neuter beer by far: my favorite is the yellow, but any will do. The sweet spot is 2 Athletics; I do not recommend binging them, as they lose their beer-like novelty as the night goes on, and that hop aftertaste starts to linger on the tongue like moldy leaves, leaving you bloated, irritated, and never more resentful of your sober state. The N/A Guinness comes in second place, while Becks and Heineken I’d say you’re better off drinking piss. Mocktails only work if they’re not too sweet. Hop Water somehow tastes just like Smirnoff Ice? Although the 0 calories is impressive. The Michenada at Temkin’s Bar kinda blew me away. The Phony Negroni, once the novelty wears off, tastes like Hawaiian Punch.
I had the thought that I could keep going with the not-drinking. But I also missed High Life and wanted to drink a martini on my birthday. And I’m going home to New Orleans on Thanksgiving, where they make the best Bloody Marys at the racetrack on opening day. I think I like taking breaks and I also like indulging. Both things can be true. I drank at a party recently and felt 99% sure that I had more fun because of it, but what do any of us know of our own perceptions? There’s not a Kate control group to test these things against. Mostly, we all just need a beverage to hold on to.
In case it needs to be said lol: these are just my own reflections on my experience teetotaling for 31 days and are in no way a judgement on anyone’s decision to imbibe or not to imbibe.